Scottish Cup Final Definitive Ratings – ‘Some people just get hysterical about Celtic for no reason’

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE SKIDS…

“Into the valley, betrothed and divine
Realisation’s no virtue, but who can define
Why soldiers go marching, those masses in line?
This disease is catching from victory to stone

Ahoy! Ahoy! Land, sea and sky
Ahoy! Ahoy! Boy, man and soldier
Ahoy! Ahoy! Deceived and then punctured
Ahoy! Ahoy! Long may they die”

– ‘Into The Valley’ Lyrics by Stuart Adamson/Luke McCowan

VINDALOO – 6/10 – After you. No, after you… No… And the curse of good manners almost costs us a crazy gifted opener as Vinny and AJ discuss the merits of courtesy. Just one of those things, hesitation and second-guessing, when it really just requires a boot out of the park and acceptance of consequences avoided. Did act as a wake-up call, though, and for the rest of the game he was in-tune with his defence when required.

KATIE – 6/10 – It’s 50-odd games for the bhoy whose legs were ‘gone’. They certainly carried him as far as they could today. But the sharpness was dulled and though he made some fine supporting and overlapping bursts, the KT delivery mechanism was stuck on ‘phish’. Rest this man, or we won’t win the World Cup…

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – A more subdued Moose than usual. Low energy, it seemed; possibly a result of the high-intensity of his run-in comeback. Certainly befuddled in that early mix-up, but made amends with an astute long ball to pick out Daizen for the opener.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6.5/10 – Booked for being hauled to the ground is a new one. So congrats on the MIB innovation to give big Austin plenty to think about as the Pars introduced two Eastern-European Balkan War mercenaries down the middle after half-time. So in his last game of a season he started isolated somewhere near Antarctica, he went into mortal combat under a scorching sun. And, thankfully, he held his own, rebuffing a number of assaults, half of them intimate, as Dunfermline’s big maddies attempted to leave their mark on everything that moved in green and white.

OF JUSTICE – 7.5/10 – It almost writes itself, a Liam assessment. Vast percentage of the time this season you could start with the low expectations of derisive ingrates and explain how he exceeds them, often proving himself crucial to a major result. So.. Here we go again: Anticipation and reaction of a praying mantis to prevent the shock lead a country beyond our hooped kingdom was fervently wishing for; Bailing out his stuttering cohorts while doing so. Floating passes in-behind like prime Glen Hoddle. Clearing up scraps from his partner’s buffering battles with rowdy strikers and cutting out direct through balls like prime… Baresi. A ginger one… Yet again, we note. And yet again, Scales The Understated is the foundation of a fine Celtic victory.

CALMAC – 7/10 – Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid. Now showing on the Hampden pitch. Calmac and his young sidekick smoked the upstart Fifers Gang, led by former rebel alliance leader Lenny Lennon…With the Belgian bhoy in sparkling form, the skipper got the freedom of the park to dictate the show. And we got a rich, enthralling display through a first 45 that won the day. Game-management took precedence as the league surge finally took its toll on the Celtic energy levels and emotions later in the match. But Calmac kept his charges on-point to see it out and get his hands back on the knockout trophy most associated with the Hoops.

THE TERMINATOR – 8/10 MOTM – Fighting fit, mean and pivotal. Young Arne on a mission is the £25 million player we require, and the one who showed up today. The much-vaunted dynamic duo combo with Calmac worked to provide us perfect harmonic control for a dominating opening half. He outshone the Hampden sun, skelping in a beauty of second goal to give us breathing space. But it was his overall intensity that kept up a killer tempo and staged a classy cup-winning midfield performance.

NEGAN – 6/10 – Having squeezed Reo completely out of the picture, the Swedish conundrum has been out to prove his worth; which should consist of greater presence and influence in game. Today he was borderline AWOL, but come the second half had refined his movement between their lines and popped up in many a dangerous position with time and space to operate. and it was from this that he finally got his – and our reward – laying on the third goal.

JAMESY – 6.5/10 – What’s that? Yes, MON does read these and did in fact apply the “need to score, inject some Jamesy” maxim from the first whistle. And lo and behold, we’re two up at the break…And before his libido faded at his millionth medal win, Jamesy had looked the man most likely – firing in our only decent crosses, stinging the keeper’s gloves with our first SOT. A cunning ploy from the boss to start him, shooting towards the away end; plenty new burds there to impress that Jamesy hadn’t ‘seen’ before. And will probably be seeing-to as you read this…

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – The Samurai King signs off with his 17th of the season and 79th of a Celtic career which is now cemented in legendary foreigner status, up there beside Nakamura. His unique pressing style drew blood one last time, spooking their centre-half into misjudging the flight of a long ball, and Daizen pounced. For he never sleeps, you know. He waits. The finish was sublime, from “oNe Of thE WorSteSt PlAyUrs iN a CeLtiC sHiRt” some have ever seen…So a final honour for the honourable Maeda-San, and his
many-folded blade which has ripped a swathe through Scottish football. In the words of Jacqueline McCafferty, “Ah flamin’ love you, man!”

YING – 6/10 – Another match, another busy bee, and another outing more huff than *phooov!* (that’s alluding to a dazzling magical spell, not to Raskin of the Zombies..). If he could just calm down a bit and blend in more of the skilful instinct we saw in clipped passes or a sweet outside of the boot delivery, we’d have a proper player.

SUBS –

ITCHYCOO PARK – 7/10 – Our impact sub of the season. He’s a big unit, Kelechi, and he’s only half-fit, but the natural ability’s there in those deft feet; As Fred Astaire* will attest to after watching him bamboozle a couple of defenders before shimmying round the keeper to seal the win.

*Fred Astaire is dead. Like Rangers.

TUTANKHAMUN – N/A – Loves a trophy win, this kid. Enjoys himself regardless of weight of contribution; which has been a bit lacking, much in the vein of today’s lightweight cameo.

NEVILLE – N/A – The Ox flips a few passes about to give us a last glimpse of his class. Thank you, Sir.

SCRATCHY – N/A – If we can’t retain this energetic little madman from Uruguay, it would have been nice to see him depart with a cup final goal. Unfortunately fluffed his big moment right at the death when he half-volleyed a chance into the Celtic end like it was the decapitated head of a rival cartel sicario.

FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE 8.5/10 – A double for the double act, a glorious finale for the genial legend. It all seemed so abrupt as the final whistle blew – the ridiculous Hollywood ending you’d dared to dream of two months ago as the chips went down and the probabilities tallied up to not much…So we and he, and they, can all breathe easy now. No shocks, no drama, just focussed discipline and jobs well done one last time to finish with an extra flourish after last week’s showstopper. MON barely tweaked it bar the genius Jamesy inclusion, and trusted the Bhoys had sobered up enough to take care of this last piece of business to make the boss’s comeback special to rival that of Elvis.

So now we talk of statue spots on The Celtic Way. And of long walks into the sunset, legend assured. But the crew? The rest of the band? Shaun O’Maloney, Fozzy, Gav and.. .the drummer? A difficult one…It’s like the very end of Cheers, you see, when Sam Malone tells the gang he’s selling the bar and quitting Boston.

“What will become of us?” asks Norm, Cliff and Frasier, forlornly. And what did? Well, there was a twist: Sammy changed his mind and stayed. Forever, so far as we knew; being left with only the ultimate final credits and teary pathos as a decade of epic comic brilliance came to a close. Will there be such a twist at Celtic, now? Hmm…

MIBBERY – 2/10 – Any last requests? VAR controversy? Manufactured outrage over volleyball moves on a football pitch? Nope. Just the Celts ruining the sunny day in the ludges beer gardens. AGAIN.

OVERALL – 8/10 – The crowning glory. The hated double, done and dusted. ‘What if?’ of weeks ago became
‘WTF? They did it!’ in some decent style. Certainly the first-half from around the quarter hour to the break was satisfying champions fodder – brisk tempo, confident interchanges, smooth rotation and inventive play, all based off zippy possession and great intense application. Legs got a bit wobbly – unsurprisingly – deep into the game but the reinforcements introduced did their parts – again, in spectacular fashion. So it all went as planned and we took both trophies to make up for the St.Mirren aberration.

As written. Never in doubt. So, what was all the flaming fuss about? Honestly, some people just get hysterical about Celtic for no reason… More of this nonsense coming up in a graphically explicit Season Review – soon; just to antagonise more people before Tony Ralston lifts the World Cup.

See you around…

Go Away Now

Sandman

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