SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE SKAG SIRO…
“If you can’t fly, run; if you can’t run, walk; if you can’t walk, crawl; but by all means keep moving.” – Martin Luther king Jr.
VINDALOO – 6/10 – No messing with his feet but seemed to catch the jitters from his defence, particularly at their goal; I reckon he had a couple of chances to emphatically clear it with his fists or clutch it safe before the basketball dunk beat him. In saying that, still a good presence and not afraid to let the indecisive in front of him know their job.
WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – AJ doesn’t have a good time of it up Heroin Alley – a couple of terrible head clashes in past visits may have been on his mind. And today, the ankle-snapper of a hit he took must have been excruciating both physically and mentally for a few moments as his possible participation in the World Cup
looked toast. But The Moose is tough stuff and he recovered to put in a fine shift, key to our first goal as well.
KATIE – 7/10 – The KT powerhouse is back and bombing for 90 minutes. Looked the only wide man likely to consider a cross for most of the game. His fitness levels seem better and with three to play plus a final, peak KT is a required component to win it all.
CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6.5/10 – Quietly in command for the majority but stepped up his physicality well as the clock ticked, winning some big headers. Looking capable of getting us over the line in fraught circumstances.
OF JUSTICE – 3/10 – No, Liam. Just no! The season’s most consistently on-point performer at crucial times nearly throws the title with a criminal lapse. He’ll know himself how sloppy and near-fatal his lazy pass wide was to instigate the Hibs equaliser at a problematic time. Thankfully, this time his team-mates bailed him out; don’t forget, haters – it’s been the other way round for quite a few games this turbulent season.
CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Calmac’s been reading ‘The Hitchhikers Guide To the Galaxy’, in his downtime, inspiring his new catchphrase ‘Don’t Panic’. Well, he certainly didn’t. And if you were ripping up the curtains watching that, like a cat on speed, just remember the skipper’s been over the course plenty. But far as I’m concerned we – and he – could do with shifting up the tempo at opportune times to kill off sides. Down to him demanding more from those around him. Like…
THE TERMINATOR – 5.5/10 – Fine, playing in tandem with the capo is exactly suitable to our current style. He gets restricted due to Negan’s ethereal presence at times, but given we knocked back (HEAVEN’S SAKE!) £25 million for Arne, his input needs to be game-defining and not simply dot-joining like today.
NEGAN – 6/10 – LOL, I thought that was his best game for The Hoops, in the sense he was a continual troublesome linking presence on the ball and not popping in and out like Rent-a-ghost. That disappearing act has been his staple – conversely, usually with a goal to mark it. And the irony this afternoon was that he couldn’t score at a Jamesy house party despite having more combined touches of the ball than the entire preceding season.
TUTANKHAMUN – 3/10 – One decent burst and cross does not a Celtic winger make. Certainly not against ten men in circumstances made for your advertised style; just asking for you to tear a demoralising hole in them. What it did make for was a Mikey J hyped-but-hollow classic display.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 8/10 MOTM – He’s at it again, that pesky human dynamo. Daizen won’t stop motoring until Japan are out of the World Cup. His erratic finishing looked like being the hill upon which his magnificent solo efforts these past weeks died, but he managed to out-think and out-position even Felcher Ross with the twitchy flag, to notch the first. And all around it – perpetual motion. Keep him fit, win it all.
YING – 6/10 – As per usual – all-effort and no flair. Goal setup aside, a little bit of finesse would really separate this bhoy from the chaff. He’s but a finite sharpness of thought away from being a proper star. Or duff.
SUBS –
ITCHYCOO PARK – 7.5/10 – There’s always a personality. Jamesy, Kyogo in recent seasons – the player at this point in time who elevates the title surge, standing up, being counted, winning crucial games with their input. And here big Kleche was at it again – the ice-cold composure of a natural born killer; chaotic and kinetic
movement around him, but he’s watching that ball drop off his chest like Hannibal Lecter sizing up a researcher,
and then swipes it home with his instep to put us now just three straight wins from the title. The hero we needed.
HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6/10 – Luke at that: Luke is inserted – maybe a bit late – into a game tailor-made for his swagger. But he managed to add some options and quality on the ball we sorely required.
JAMESY – N/A – Look, it’s quite simple – You have to score? See Jamesy. And let the facts speak his mystique – on he came, and we did.
TONY THE TIGER – N/A – On you go, Tony, and murder anything that moves near our box. Get some practice in for next Sunday.
FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE – 7/10 – Venerably victorious and holding a better record than the
Drug Enforcement Administration when it comes to the Leith Crack House; 26 years undefeated in raids. Although, a draw today would have felt like a grave loss. But he’s tweaked and tinkered and said what he needed to say and lo and behold the points were his. Some sort of Gaelic wizardry going on there, with his tiny assistant helping conjure hope and maybe an unthinkable title win out of a season of general despair. Has he got three more spells in him?
MIBBERY – 7/10 – What an effort. A round of hooved applause for the sleight-of-hand, off-the-cuff rule change to permit impromptu Michael Jordan impersonations in the Hoops (irony) six-yard box; actually surprised they didn’t also give Hibs two points for that as well. On top of Donald ‘The Moray Felcher’ Ross with a sly attempt to reinvent the offside rule, they outdid themselves. And yet… Still failed to stop the Green Machine rolling on.
Har-de-flaming-har.
OVERALL – 7/10 – A grind. A big chance to slash Hearts’ goal differece was presented to us but this Celtic incarnation doesn’t do gifts… Or slaughters. Instead, it’s Zombie-teasing on a new level with late scrapes and frenzied finales. We lacked tempo, and flair. But behind the strife was belief and focus – particularly if you listen to the skipper. And, to be fair – it’s ONLY the points that matter in these fiesty times.
The cliche of ‘take it and move on’ has never been so choice; we roll into next week’s titanic clash with a
squad sensing glory and relishing the challenge. Not a bad place to be, mentally; certainly on a level one of tomorrow’s Sister-wife Cousin-Intercouse Jubilee contest participants will NOT be on after their final
whistle.
The preferred outcome? For me, a Replicants clean victory – it’ll put the original Satan’s Concubines’ title
ambitions back in the sewer and I’m wagering The Diets will thereafter ultimately crack under that
super-heated title-expectation pressure over the last three games.
As written.
Go Away Now
Sandman
