SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE SCOURGE OF GOD…
“And lo, the Sellites gazed down upon the writhing, impotent fury of the horrible hordes, and knew then that the smiting of the Zombies was nearly complete.” – The Book Of Timothy. Chapter 67; verse 26.
VINDALOO – 7/10 – A confident keeper is a major component in white-knuckle rides like this one. And there’s no shortage of belief in Vinny’s gloves, which were stickle brick-secure when required to hold, and Benny Lynch knuckle-sandwich solid to clear his box.
WAYNE GRETZKY – 7.5/10 – The Moose, only three-hooves fit but storming the wing with physical prowess that spooked them good and proper. When you throw in a marvellous Sunday morning tackle from the 90s glory days to remind them he’s back, and send Zombie social media into a soy-boy hissy-fit of retrospective red card hysteria, it just emphasises how much of a miss he’s been.
KATIE – 7.5/10 – Cometh the hour, cometh the power. KT, seeing out the biggest games of the season with maximum impact. Great assist, even greater intensity as he led the fire and the fury to pin back and finish the Zombies early second 45. Looked out of it with cramp at the last; get him supple and thriving for Wednesday, physios.
OF JUSTICE – 8.5/10 – Fabulous Liam Scales. Owed apologies by thousands. And if I were him I’d demand they form a queue down the car park. On their flaming knees. Because, without the Ginger Baresi being on-point today this game would have been taken away from us by half-time. Exceptional covering as his defensive partner floundered continually. Pinpoint ball-winning as we faced-up countless launches into our six-yard area; Held it together like Aragon at the Battle of Helm’s Deep – those ugly Orcs shall not pass. Then, when we needed a deft left, he produces the Rory McIlroy backspun pitch in behind for KT to set up the defining second.
On the biggest occasion the Barndarig Beckenbauer stood tall and composed, defying Zombies, critics and cucks alike. Masterful.
C’MON THE HOOPS!! 3 more finals🍀 The atmosphere today was insane💚 Let’s goo!!! #CelticFC pic.twitter.com/WQ0o7s2l6i
— Auston Trusty (@Auston_Trusty) May 10, 2026
CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6/10 – Rinsed. Then repeated. Then a word in his lug and he settled into a decent second period. But that opening spell nearly wrote his epitaph as Chermiti’s Bhitch. That it didn’t is due his massive thanks to his criminally-underrated ginger sidekick.
CALMAC – 7/10 – His focus should be YOUR focus. Not 100%, but willing to give 100%. An iron-forged intensity borne of multiple title wins. Able to rouse a Celtic side knocked on its heels after ten minutes into a rampant match winning force by the hour mark. Not quite in his dominant pomp but delegating well and getting the job done; threw in a cheeky Slippy G noise-up late on just to roil the Zombie blood some more…
I genuinely think Engels is the ultimate football IQ test, Outstanding the day ✨👏 pic.twitter.com/cFud96rzys
— Lewis 🍀 (@Lewis_CFC_120) May 10, 2026
THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – He’s still not the 25 million wonderboy the label proclaims but there’s no doubt his value is in the engine room beside Calmac. As I’ve been saying for a while…Terrific movement and assist for Yang, but what stood out most today was his defiance and dig – crucial interceptions and cover all the way through turbulence to the final whistle.
NYLON – 5.5/10 – If he’s not scoring he’s not the impact player we need. And if he was a split-second sharper he’d be a maverick can-opening number 10. But he’s not; he’s frustratingly a nearly-mhan. And that can pose problems in these frenzies. Expect his place in jeopardy for Wednesday.
Here is video Sky Sports hiding from you of foul by Mo Diomande on Luke McCowan in buildup to Mikey Moore goal. Blatant 2 handed push on back- exact same as Josh Campbell on Nygren last week. Brother Beaton on VAR (For Grandmaster Derek ‘Up to the Knees in Fenian Blood’ McInnes) pic.twitter.com/bpWRHg6iJE
— The Global Tablet of Jurisprudence (@gtj1247) May 10, 2026
HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6/10 – Luke, for heaven’s sake. Swatted aside like a wee boy in the build-up to their opener. Then you’ve got to take a Luke at the absolutely sublime pass to facilitate our equaliser. And once he had that Luke-in, he Luked capable of more disruption. However, MON snuffed any further expectations with a HT hook, but I’m thinking it was more tactical than a reflection on Young Jobson’s contribution.
YING – 7.5/10 – The wee mhan justly becomes a fully-fledged Skelper. After a scintillating solo in January’s collapse he added that talked-of class to his frantic work-rate today, sniping the equaliser, maintaining his pestering of the cloven-hooved until his late bow.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 9.5/10 MOTM – To hell with you, Panini! The omission of the perpetual-motion engine from the World Cup sticker album will come back to bite them when Daizen lifts the trophy…And he may well be lifting another two before then. His Celtic swansong is becoming a grand soaring aria to eclipse even Nessun Dorma. The commitment, the effort, the ubiquitousness… These are the trademarks of his inscrutable character we’ve come to know and love – and in some cases loathe: “Worst player I’ve ever seen in a Celtic shirt…” That right, aye? Morons.
But the wits and athleticism of the Maeda Machine is often overlooked. And today we were reminded of it in breathtaking fashion. Breath-taking indeed, as I nearly fainted from the sheer audacious wonder of that Daizen overhead. A piece of spectacle that required no words, for there is no hyperbole qualified to encapsulate the moment. Well, copious Guinness is doing the trick, actually.
But if you have the right scientific equipment to monitor Null Space on a frequency outwith our sensory capabilities, you can hear – in the nano-seconds of space-time as Butland waves at that perfectly-flighted strike floating past him – the ghost of Pele quipping, “Ooft. Fair play.”
And like the World Cup great himself, Daizen will depart these Celtic shores a KING.
この雰囲気が好きです💚🤍 https://t.co/E2Si2aqP2m
— 前田 大然 Daizen Maeda (@M_daizen_1020) May 10, 2026
SUBS –
HAKUNA HATATE – N/A – Look, it’s Reo. And in his recent absence it appears he’s completely forgotten the free-kick distance rule. No, he hasn’t – he’s just winding up the Zombies…
TUTANKHAMUN – 6/10 – The Mikey J gamble. And it more or less paid off as the Tunisian enigma did offer more width, keep them on the tips of their hooves, and played his part in that historic third.
ITCHYCOO PARK – N/A – Kelechi , on to celebrate. After hoisting Daizen when he scored the second I half-expected the big mhan to also be wearing a Celtic scarf and bunnet for his time in the game.
SCRATCHY – N/A – Comforting to see that your replacement for the tiring powerhouse full-back is an eager and ramped-up South American madman.
TONY THE TIGER – N/A – Tony. Go on pitch. Bludgeon Bears. Dont’ stop until big last whistle goes. And Tony did. As ever. HH The Brickie.
FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE – 8/10 – Shake and Bake for wee Sausage Rhol as the Old Master
schools him again. Overloading the middle first-half, presenting a ‘winged avengers’ formation for the second. Navigating this turbulent passage in Celtic’s history with nous and guile, he now finds himself two wins from almost unprecedented 21st Century adulation, and three from absolute immortality. And the probabilities are now with him. C’mon the universe. Deliver.
MIBBERY – 6.5/10 – The tactic – book every Bhoy you can see, and even some you can’t. Which will explain the letters from the SFA you’re all going to get through the letterbox this week. But even that, and the insistence of awarding a foul every time a Zombie squealed – which was very, very often… – did not derail the Green Wave from swamping the Blue Meanies and the goat-worrying team of MIBs. As you revel in Daizen’s wonder-strike, just imagine the sinking torment of the MIBs watching that sail into the rigging…Delightfully delicious.
A roundup of a dramatic Derby as Celtic secured the win over Rangers ✅ pic.twitter.com/Itn055PHM1
— Sky Sports Scotland (@ScotlandSky) May 10, 2026
OVERALL – 9/10 – The uprising is almost complete. All stringent tests have been faced and countered, and today was the most rigorous – an early knock-back of Davie Dodds proportions. But we’ve got Jamesy in the squad to provide the psychological backup, and the comeback was, for me, the most satisfying of the season entire; contrary to the stats and everything we’ve been told to believe about the fragility of this Celtic side. The mettle they showed was formidable.
The Zombies’ campaign was ended in style and with merciless sanction through a fifteen-minute second half spell which left in no doubt the distinction between the serial winners and annual losers. This Celtic team are now writing their own history with their boots and its an unlikely epic poem in the making with coruscating rhythm and verses of mythology to make Homer pause.
Thanks for everything Tav. Some servant to the sellick. pic.twitter.com/hMif5odK2S
— Dan (@McCormack_90) May 10, 2026
They’re only just two wins from THE most hated title – a triumph which will be rejoiced in by only me, you and the Hibees. And we’ll be using the Onion Bears’ drums to do it, by all accounts…
So onto the kingmakers, Motherwell, on Wednesday. The hour of reckoning is upon us against the country’s finest footballing side. But we can play a bit when we want to. And more importantly now – need to.
Le Celtic dompte les Rangers dans le derby de Glasgow et relance le suspense pour le titre
➡️ https://t.co/eQ1aepZ4NB pic.twitter.com/jGOVJpQtsB— L’Équipe (@lequipe) May 10, 2026
Let’s see it, Celtic. The SMSM sycophants and toadies who wrote us off and bent the knee for the wee cousins haven’t suffered enough yet. The sight of green and white ribbons fluttering in the May sunshine will be the perfect PTSD for them to carry through their summer of malcontent.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
WE’LL FIGHT IT OUT UNTIL THE END
The Green Brigade used the image of Glasgow-Irish hall-of-fame boxer Benny Lynch, to depict the scene of a bloody and battered fighter on his stool being urged to fight until the last bell – a metaphor of Celtic’s season.
2 rounds to go… pic.twitter.com/mp5EqUXON2
— North Curve Celtic (@NCCeltic) May 10, 2026
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